My Dark Day

Today is usually a wordless wednesday post, but today I need to have words.

If you are a Gilmore Girls fan, then you may know what I mean by 'dark day' (remember that episode about Luke's dark day?). Well today is my dark day. 13 years ago I lost my father.  He bled out from a burst tumor in his lungs at home. We did not know he had cancer, so it was a very sudden and traumatic event in my life. One that I will never be able to rid from my mind. Time has for the most part eased the pain of losing my father and not having him in my life. However today, this year, on the anniversary of his death I am having a hard time. We were close, but I lost him at a young age and did not get to know him well. I hate that.

Perhaps it is because I have come such a long way in the last couple years that I am missing him so much more this year. There are big things happening in my life, and I wish he was here to share them with. I wish my children could have met him. I wish that he could have met my children, or heck even my husband.

I can't really put a lot of words to it, other than I just want to shy away from the world today and grieve a little. It has been many years now, but every time something big happens in my life I grieve just a little bit. I grieve those lost moments that I so desperately wish I could have with him.

Each year, I usually have a moment on the 24th where I remember. This year, I am a ball of emotion. I am sad. I am angry. I am disappointed. I am hurt. This year it is hitting my hard.

So if you are waiting for something from me today, I hope you will understand, I will get back to you tomorrow or the next day. Today I need time. I need to reflect. I need to grieve.

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